Nature or Nurture

I am currently doing DBT therapy and the old topic of ‘Nature V Nurture’ came up. We went around the class and everyone was asked were you more ‘emotional’ or ‘sensitive’ growing up in comparison to your siblings. It came round to me and I said ‘well, I didn’t grow up with my siblings but I am definitely more emotional than them now’.

 

So this all made me think, because I don’t really have anybody to compare myself to as a child. Was I an emotional child? Was it inevitable that I was going to grow up to be a ‘sensitive’ or ‘emotional’ adult?

 

I remember as a child always being a bit of a rescuer. If there was a new child in my class or the child that use to get picked on, I was the one who befriended them. Thinking about that now, did I do that because I had a big heart and wanted that child to feel welcomed and happy or did I do it because I felt ‘more than’ because they were in a vulnerable position and I felt ‘better than’? So many questions and no real answers.

 

My conclusion is that I personally think the answer is a case by case basis. I think it can definitely be either which is why it is so important when you have a child to ensure that they not only are given everything they need; a roof over their head, be well dressed and clean, eat the right foods, have manners and understand right from wrong, have an education etc but also know they are well loved, cared for and have responsible adults to show them by example how to be a decent person.

In my case, I believe my situation was ‘nurture’. Having said that I am pretty sure my father has some mental health issues that were never addressed, so it could be argued that it was also nature. Realistically though, I read that babies have the ability to know and miss another human being by the time they are 9 months of age. For the first year of my life I lived in a house with both parents and 4 older siblings.

 

At 13 months my mother passed away and three of the four siblings went to live elsewhere. My father then went on to have a myriad of different relationships most women of which I grew to ‘love’ very quickly and then they left due to a relationship break up with my father. I am able to clearly count 14 such women up until I left home at the age of 19 which included a further two marriages. In between partners there was frequent sexual and physical abuse and other horrible incidents I won’t even mention.

 

Now, here I am in my mid 30’s with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar 1 or Schizoaffective Disorder, PTSD, OCD, anxiety and severe depression. My Psychiatrist is of the opinion that the Borderline Personality Disorder is the “biggest” of my problems.

 

Sometimes I think, I’m not that bad, no idea what all the fuss and medication is for. Then at other times I have a moment and think, ‘you know what, I don’t think it’s normal to have a conversation with someone and think so deeply about what they have said and think about what they REALLY meant and then cry hysterically for a period of time before sitting on the floor in a complete mess cutting myself with a razor blade’ I don’t think it’s ‘normal’ to go rushing to the medication cupboard and shove as many pills into your mouth as you can while washing it down with alcohol and lay in bed hysterically crying just waiting to die. I never for a moment thought that this wasn’t what everyone else did.

 

In my case, I believe my situation was ‘nurture’. Having said that I am pretty sure my father has some mental health issues that were never addressed, so it could be argued that it was also nature. Realistically though, I read that babies have the ability to know and miss another human being by the time they are 9 months of age. For the first year of my life I lived in a house with both parents and 4 older siblings.

 

At 13 months my mother passed away and three of the four siblings went to live elsewhere. My father then went on to have a myriad of different relationships most women of which I grew to ‘love’ very quickly and then they left due to a relationship break up with my father. I am able to clearly count 14 such women up until I left home at the age of 19 which included a further two marriages. In between partners there was frequent sexual and physical abuse and other horrible incidents I won’t even mention.

 

Now, here I am in my mid 30’s with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar 1 or Schizoaffective Disorder, PTSD, OCD, anxiety and severe depression. My Psychiatrist is of the opinion that the Borderline Personality Disorder is the “biggest” of my problems.

 

Sometimes I think, I’m not that bad, no idea what all the fuss and medication is for. Then at other times I have a moment and think, ‘you know what, I don’t think it’s normal to have a conversation with someone and think so deeply about what they have said and think about what they REALLY meant and then cry hysterically for a period of time before sitting on the floor in a complete mess cutting myself with a razor blade’ I don’t think it’s ‘normal’ to go rushing to the medication cupboard and shove as many pills into your mouth as you can while washing it down with alcohol and lay in bed hysterically crying just waiting to die. I never for a moment thought that this wasn’t what everyone else did.

So what’s do you think about Nature or Nurture?

 

I’m a disappointment to everybody.  I’m not even me anymore.  I’m just a shell of a person walking around with nothing to offer or give. 
I thought my wants and needs were simple.  I want to be loved.  I want to feel I’m loved and be special.  But I’m learning that I’m more complicated than anybody can deal with.  It’s too much. I don’t have the strength they once thought i had.  They’re learning that now.  But before i become a complete disappointment i need to leave.  I need to let go and let them live. 

Fucking psych tomorrow.  I would literally rather do anything else.  No good will come off this.  I’m doing it for people who don’t give a shit! All I’m hearing is people saying what i should be doing,  the meds aren’t working and i have to pretend my life’s fucking awesome.  Fuck everything

So, I started with a new psychiatrist a few months back.  Two reasons;  one being that i have previously been diagnosed with 6 conditions and wanted a second opinion and also I was struggling financially with last doctor.
So apparently i do fit into all categories / diagnosis but the main diagnosis is borderline personality disorder and schizoaffactive disorder which is basically a cross between bipolar and schizophrenia.  So I not only have a personality disorder but I also have a mood disorder with auditory hallucinations.  You could try and put a bit of humor into it and call me a bitza or an over achiever but I haven’t really embraced the humor just yet, I’m still feeling sorry for myself.

Basically I’m pissed off about the amount of drugs I need to take.  But on the other hand I’m grateful the drugs exist so I’m not winging it alone. I’m pissed off i have the conditions at all but I’m glad I’m not boring.  Most of all I’m pissed off about how it makes me feel and act.  I can get over the voices telling me I’m hopeless,  ugly,  worthless,  a waste of space.  I will get over falling asleep in the backyard because I’m convinced “bad people”are in the house, I’ll get over the sore backs and lack of sleep from sleeping under my bed because I’m trying to hide from people who “apparently” aren’t there. I’ll put a smile on my face even though I’m told almost every day that I’m going to die in less than two weeks by a voice that again I’m told “isn’t real” but I will never feel ok or at peace with the pain I cause the people I love. Most people in my life would think i get depressed,  i get hyperactive,  i have good times and i have bad but a very select few know the truth.  I cry hysterically and uncontrollably.  I tell people I love with all my heart that I know they hate me deep down,  that they don’t love me,  that they want me dead. I’ve called those same people in the middle of the night crying to help me.  I’ve told them I will kill myself. I’ve ended up in hospital from overdoses and cutting my now permanently scarred arms with razor blades on countless occasions.  This hasn’t happened twice,  three times or even half a dozen,  it’s happened countless times.  Some people may think it’s been for attention.  I wish I didn’t feel the pain I feel and it was just as simple as wanting attention.
I don’t know how to explain what happens accept that to say the desperation,  the immense physical and emotional pain is something I can’t put on a scale, 10/10 does it no justice at all.  I won’t even try to explain it.  There are simply no words.

Unfortunately there are also no words to make things “better” or take back the pain I’ve caused the ones I love.
I don’t know that I’m even worth forgiving or loving.  I honestly don’t know.  The most ridiculous part out of everything is all I want is to feel loved and feel special.  It’s not that I want “more”, I just wish the bad feelings didn’t come back and make me act the way I do.  They say I need to learn to love myself – How do I love someone who hurts the people I love so much?

Haven’t written for a while.  Not really sure why.  I’ve thought about it but have found reasons not to. 
On a whole I’ve been doing better.  For a while there it was pretty awesome if there was one night in the week where I wasn’t losing my mind.  Either hearing voices, feeling completely paranoid or just plane suicidal.  In the past 8 days I’ve had two bad nights.  One where I knew there was a trigger and actually had my meds early in preparation for a possibly rough night and ended up having a big cry then falling asleep (Thank you meds!!) The other night came out of the blue a little although I’m aware of the reason (I think) and that was a bad night.  I actually slept in the back yard for about two hours as i was too scared to go inside as I was convinced people were in there.  Eventually the voices stopped and I was shattered from being completely exhausted and consequently possibly why I’ve spent the past two days sick. All though not pleasant, as I said, overall a better week.  My meds have increased courtesy of me.  I have pdoc in the morning which automatically makes me feel uptight.  I just hate that I have to go.  It reminds me I’m not “normal”. But I’m hoping meds are on there way to being sorted. I’m feeling a little alone at the moment.  I’m keeping my “feelings” and “thoughts” to myself more than I have for a while.  I’m feeling like I’ve been somewhat stupid in trusting and loving.  I don’t know how to explain that further right now. 
I feel like I have to keep things to myself more to make sure I keep people happier.  I’ve stopped talking about the seriousness of somethings due to not wanting people to worry – its actually worked though so that’s a bonus. But at the same time I worry a bit that it’s killing my insides.  Like it’s festering or something.  I’ve been told my life will end, by a man’s voice and he’s told me how and when. I die of my own hands in a little over two weeks time.  Nobody will know though because he says it’s our secret.  I know this voice and I hope the meds keep him away.  I will even pray. 

a little release of emotion and feelings – in an attempt to sooth my soul

Oh man, am I in a mess at the moment. I feel like I had a good month or so emotionally (not perfect – but pretty good) and it’s all come crushing down in a heap of shit!

I am trying to figure out what’s going on and I think there is a mixture of a lot of things going on right now in my head and heart. In a nutshell I think I am feeling a big sense of abandonment, fear and loss.

I can’t necessarily justify my feelings or tell you they are right but as it has just been pointed out to me, they are my feelings and that is okay.

 

I feel so frustrated that I feel as though I can’t put my feelings or emotions into words that seem to justify that is happening inside me. Which makes me even more emotional and probably a little uncontrollable.

 

What’s been happening lately I think is that I was feeling a sense of abandonment and there was a man who was saying all the right things. Whether it was because he is emotionally unstable or whether it is because he saw what I needed and played on that, I don’t know but I fell for the words and thought I wouldn’t be left behind in the world if I went along with him. So it turns out, my initial instincts and what others already knew, were right and he hurt me. I think now that a couple of weeks has passed I can see that the physical pain was worse than the emotional pain as realistically, emotionally I was not attached or invested in anything. Perhaps an idea but not actually him.

 

I think what is happening with me right now is that I am finally realizing that nobody can fix what is happening with my head and heart but me, accept I have no idea whatsoever. More than anything, and I do mean anything, I want to be looked after, I want to be held and loved but I am not a child anymore. I feel resentful, angry and so bitter that I didn’t have that growing up which in turn is making me worse right now because I feel as though I have the right to it. I have certainly been giving it my hardest try to still have someone look after me, I would give up anything any everything to be looked after, not by a man, I’m not talking about financially or even physically, I am talking emotionally.

 

I hope that all you reading this out there can attempt to think what it would be like to walk into a house every night and feel like an 8 (ish) year old walking into an empty house. I wonder so often, why is it that I am still scared of the dark? Why does going to sleep without being told ‘I love you’ and a big hug make me feel so sad? Why do little noises in the night make me feel like the house is about to be ambushed and my mind goes into freak out land? Why can I not wake up from the constant nightmares and just be adult enough to say, ‘ well, that sucked, I had a horrible nightmare’, rather than get in the fetal position and cry my eyes out and want someone to come in and reassure me? I am not 35 inside in the slightest.

 

I have been thinking about whether or not counselling is for me or not. I actually think and I hope I am not making excuses, but I have always been the type of person who cannot be rushed. I need to do things in my own time and I feel as though the group I am a part of allows me to do that. I think I have made progress within myself but I am slow and it needs to be in my time.

 

Tough love does not work for me. Again, it’s probably pretty pathetic but what works for me is constant love. Nobody can give 100% constant love at all times, people lose their temper, get impatient etc and I do understand that but consistent love and reassurance helps me 10x more than ‘get on with it’ or ‘ toughen up’ or ‘move on’ etc. I actually feel those statements make me so much worse. Again, I feel child like in that regard, I need constant reassurance. What is killing me at this time is I have all my expectations and hopes pinned on two people, I guess in my mind and emotions, it’s my parents. (They are not actually my parents but actually older female role models) – a role neither of them asked for and probably no doubt do not want.

 

Now somehow I need to figure out how to help me and somehow be the child but also be the adult and comfort myself. Quite frankly that sounds way less comforting and warm than them doing it but pretty sure I have to learn. The only other option I have at this point is murder the bloody inner child and move on from there. I also, do not know how to do that. When my insides change they change and I turn into the devils sporne pretty quick. It’s at those times I feel like I have little to no control over my actions with myself, they are the times that if my life is ended, it will be then. The impulses are unbelievable.

 

I know grief has stages and it feels sometimes like I have a ‘stage’ and then go YAY, it’s done, but then the bastard comes back again, and then I realize it’s just another stage. I can’t tell you how exhausted I am – I know I exhaust the people I love too. I am trying to work out how to help them and the only thing I ever come up with is leave them, leave this place and give them peace but at the same time, I don’t really want to die. I just want to be happy and free from pain. Honestly, I’m not bright, I need answers served up on a platter.

 

For today, I just need to get through the working day, function as best I can and fake it til I make it?

that time of year

My birthday is coming up this week. Every single year I do a countdown to my birthday like I am about 6 years old and I genuinely do love my birthday. I don’t know anyone else my age that gets excited like I do. Yet every single year without fail I ruin it. In the back of my mind I kind of understand but I have never ever dealt with what happened on my 12^th birthday. I have never uttered a word to anyone about it and I don’t know if I ever will. Perhaps me being excited is somehow my way of overdoing it to make it okay or something. I am not sure. But needless to say I have successfully ruined it again for this year by having a freak out, being a complete b!tch and then getting what I apparently “deserved”. I am clearly not suppose to be involved with men. We just don’t mix. To boot, I attempted to do something considerate for a family member and am now the one losing out. Probably not smart on my part but it’s done.

I have not felt this way for at least a month (possibly more) which is pretty extended for me. But here I am planning how I will end my life, feeling like I am alone and don’t even want to see the weekend. I feel like I have tried so hard and actually been successful and being a lot happier lately but still don’t feel good enough for anyone.

 

conflicting feelings

I feel all sad or all happy. At the moment I’m both which is just weird. Half of me says”you’re doing great, you’ll get through this” then without warning “this is not ok” and a feeling of doom comes over me.

Tomorrow is a massive day again.  His assessment. I just realised I’m scared they’ll find he’s crazy and therefore things ‘aren’t his fault’ or something like that.  Maybe I’m scared that they’ll find him crazy and everyone will think ‘that’s where she got it from’. Will I always be known as his daughter?’ Will I always be the “fucked up” one? I want to be associated with someone else, I want to be the one that got better, despite the odds.  The one that made a recovery, the one that people say “wow, she made it!”.

I don’t want to be the one that drives people crazy – That undoes the peaceful feeling they had.  I make the people I love crazy.

I can hear him, “your a waste of space, the biggest mistake I’ve made, you’re a woos, i couldn’t be more disappointed, etc etc etc. Next day “I love you, you’re my princess, I didn’t mean any of that, I’m just stressed, you’re the most important person in my life” – the sad thing is I never got confused, I just accepted what ever he said at that moment as the truth.

Part of me says everything is going to be ok.  Then one negative comment and my world comes crashing down like a house of cards.

The thing is though, the one constant thing I hear is “try harder”.  I feel like I’m never Good enough, never trying hard enough, never quite enough for anybody.

Then there’s this guy, he aparently thinks I’m great, let’s spend more time together, let’s start a family.  Part of me says I can’t look after myself.  The other half says maybe I should try “being normal”. You know the norm, be in a relationship, have a baby. There’s not a thing about me that feels normal at all.

Do I give in and just let him love me? He’s fighting for it.  Says the right things.  Says he’ll look after me.  Says he’ll protect me.

I try and be independent, I can make this on my own, I’m stronger, i deserve happiness.  I will make it through.

No you don’t deserve anything.  You just Piss people off. Fuck I’m so confused.

Somehow I just need to get through tomorrow.  I’ve been quite successful, nobody even knows what tomorrow is.  I’ve handled it by myself til now and I’ll continue to handle it myself.

What I still struggle with is why I still desperately want their arms around me saying ” I love you, your Good enough, you’ll always be enough for me”. I never had that growing up so why am I not stronger now??? Why do I need it and how do I make it stop?? I don’t want to need anyone.  I don’t want to feel pain and I sure as hell don’t want to rely on another human being to feel like I’m worth anything.  I want to scream I Fucking hate you and mean it while my Bullshit heart just wants to me loved.  I hate my heart.  Toughen up and move the fuck on. So many tears.

a new week begins

Have a big week ahead.  Should know more about the next part of his journey in the next couple of days, hopefully this will bring some peace to my mind. While somehow my journey is becoming a little clearer and a little more scary at the same time.

I’ve learnt some things in the past few days. I’ve learnt going out of your comfort zone can be so rewarding.  Sure it’s a little frightening but it’s good too.  I’ve randomly picked up a new hobby thanks to chatting to someone unlikely, I’ve discovered a cheep tool to help with home life, I’ve lost a friend aparently, which makes me sad. I’m branching out this week to a new self help group to try and see if I can learn something new about myself and dying my hair a crazy color.  All in all, the week should be interesting to say the least. If only I remembered how to sleep properly.  Grrrrrr

late night wisdom because sleep is in the past

Tight jaw, clenched fists, sore shoulders and neck, classic signs of anxiety and stress.  Have to say, I’m not loving it.

Tonight I researched where I could rehouse my animals.  That made me sadder than anything else.  Actual plans to take my life.  Counted my pills, googled how much I’d need to take ( that I had enough) , wrote a quick letter of goodbye and cried for about an hour and threw up purely from getting in such an emotional state, interesting because I have completely lost my appetite and haven’t eaten for two days.  i made a call, chatted on the phone which made all the difference, what I really needed to hear today was that it’s not my fault.  Stand in the room and wave your arms around you, anything I touch, that’s what I have control of, nothing else. It was a relief to hear his suicidal feelings are not my fault.  It didn’t stop the tears straight away but I felt a sense of relief.  A little bit of calm.  Sometimes you can hear things a million times, I’ve heard “it’s not your fault ” a million times but it was what I needed at that moment, that very moment to bring my mind back, to remind me.

So tomorrow I start yet another new day in this battle of recovery, a word I felt the need to Google tonight to ensure its meaning.  I am in recovery.  I was also reminded tonight of how much I’ve been through and that considering all of it, I’m ok.  I fall, I slip, generally it’s a crash that resembles a train wreck –  but I get up again.  The biggest hurdle for me is dealing with it without dragging everyone down with me.

I’ve successfully fucked up relationships that mean a lot to me and I have to live with that now.  All I can do is try one day at a time to be the best I can, a lot of the time my best is simply not good enough but I have to keep trying.